Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
