Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my shit smells like andre
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
