At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
