I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
