Define "chronic" masturbator.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize