I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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