U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We need to rekindle our bromance
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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