So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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