my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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