The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
