those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
