Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
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The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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