I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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