tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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