he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
