I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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