You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
