Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
time to smoke my breakfast
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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