Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
