Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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