I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
