So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
