You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
