You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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