I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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