So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
