Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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