Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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