I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's blow job season.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
