Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
