And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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