I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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