Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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