i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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