it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
