i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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