I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Let's get the cat blown out
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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