rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
