I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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