My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
