That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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