You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So many bounce houses so little time
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
