can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
