We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
