I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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