It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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