HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
