There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
