Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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