Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
