I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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