I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
