Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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